Just talking

Let's talk about Poverty

2011-12-20T12:22:00.003-05:00

So, the Gene Marks thing is over a week old and I agree that the tone, lack of understanding and platform that it was delivered was off. The criticism that he has gotten has been well deserved. But I think there's a part of the conservation that I think gets overlooked, because it is not as explosive as who, where and why those comments are made. I think this part of the conservation was overlooked when similar questions were raised when Bill Cosby spoken on similar matters.

What do we (as a society, a people) do about the poor!!

There has been several articles about it. The Atlantic, the New York Times and others have covered it. Race and class are traditional hot pots that our society at time touch without over mitts. The natural course of action occurs, someone gets a little burned. When we do talk about it our conservation range from; poor people are simply lazy and it is there f@#$ fault that they are poor, to poverty is an affliction and not there fault. Part of the reason I think we range so greatly in opinion about this is because it the question seems similar to fate vs. free-will questions and how is man governed. We don't want to think that the poor does not have agency in there lives (that's un-American) but at the same time we don't want to dismiss the extreme environment that being poor creates.

We all get affected about this, society at large. This comes into focus for me because I get asked to talk to children that are poor. I get asked to talk to poor black children. Simply because I'm a black professional. I generally speak to them about being exceptional. Ask them to find and culture their inner-Oprah. I'm asked to show them you can get out with skills other then sports, with a hot jump shot or slanging the rock. Biggie, left out a few alternatives. I'm a better alternative... I'm to be emulated. Or I least that is why I think they are asking me to talk to these children. What I'm fighting in these children is a reasonable position of "fuck it!!" I'm poor and there isn't fuck all I can do about it! I'm going to sit in the corner and fold my arms and let that be that.

What I'm looking for along side of the criticism of the Gene Marks and Newt Gingrich is that exceptional-ism does not have to be rare. If one man has done it, so can you. I'm concerned with our criticisms that people in these situations, could hear and believe that we are implying ... your fucked son, and there ain't shit you can do about it.

Let the other side be heard... you can be an exception, your value is not wrapped in dollars and cents but what you can add to this world. We know this to be true and we expect it from you.

May They Stand Tall

2011-12-13T00:55:00.002-05:00

This time of year is always about family. We get a chance to reflect, to look back and try to look around the corner of what is before us.

What I have been reflecting on is the state of the man that is meant to guide on what it is to be what I have grown to be. The older I get, I'm unsure if my memories of the past are becoming clearer with wisdom of insight or faded with time. I'm unclear if the man that stands before me has always been there and my vanitage point has changed. In this new light... I'm unsure what to make of angle.

But the worst of it is my selfish feeling... Pondering is this what is to become of me. Is this my look around the corner... standing in front of me.

Insomnia

2011-12-06T02:26:00.001-05:00

Insomnia breeds insanity. As your mind races... reviewing your life and the events that have complied it. Your body begs for sleep.

Remembering lost loves. Wondering about missed connections. Reviewing relationships big and small, measuring how they make you. Curious about roads not travels. Pondering about the man you are. Considered about the man that you may become.

You hold your pillow waiting for sleep to coming. Praying you do not meet the daybreak's sunlight. For you if you meet it to often insanity is all that one may have.

Jumping the Pond

2011-02-18T18:58:00.003-05:00

So I just returned from an international trip. And the trip was brilliant but ... I have one thing to cry about. I was trapped in the middle seat for a six hour flight. Plus, I'm not a little person. All of these things are not ideal. But there was more ...

Seating on the right of me, was a elderly India man. Not a problem expect for the fact that when he was sleeping he put his head on my shoulder. OK... not good. I tried to get him off me. I shook and shook. Because I was raised with this idea of respect your elders... I was not able to bring myself to confront him by waking him up by poke him in the forehead to get off me. It got worst. Because he was asleep he was invading my space. Then he started playing footie with me. YES... a grown ass man, played footies with me. He was rubbing his toes against the back of heel of my foot. I would nudge him when he would stop. He would stop and then start up again. I was inappropriately touched by elderly man in a cross Atlantic flight.

I wanted to up this in my compliant box of my airline.
" A man inappropriately was touching me with this feet, rubbing his toes against the heel of my foot. I feel dirty. I feel used. This is not the way to travel internationally. "

My Modern life ...

2010-12-23T14:37:00.001-05:00

I can’t tell if it’s me or just the people close to me but these things are getting harder. I don’t know if it’s our new modern life. Everything was getting bigger. The cost of education, our salaries and our need for materials, the way that we raise our children all have gotten bigger, with presumption that it is better. Our appetite have grown, our need to win can’t be subdued and our expectations stretching farer and farer from the truth of our daily lives. But there seems to be one buck in this trend, our families, our support network, and our friend groups seem to be getting smaller. Yeah, people in generation and younger have all sorts of devices and websites to communicate. All though we can conquer the digital divide, we still need connection, face to face, in person, I can smell what you had dinner, time with other people. I read an interesting article in the news the recently, almost half of Americans are on mood altering drugs. So… most of us can’t cope. Is that want I’m meant to gleam from that nugget of information? In the same vein, there was an article in the New York Times talking about there is a crisis mental health center in college campus. The article made it seem like they are in triage all the time …

We don’t need bigger … We don’t need faster … We just need better. But it seems like we don’t truly understand what that means. I think we simply need to connect in person, with people more… We, people can literally be answer to this modern sense of a less personable world. We are social creatures; we have to make sure that our lives reflect that.

And this time of year is a perfect time to practice it. We most go forth and love, hug, and kiss our way thru this world.

2010-12-01T13:49:00.001-05:00

I talk in circles, write in circles, ride in circles thus I clearly think in circles. Does anyone every think in squares?

What I wish I said to her ...

2010-12-01T12:49:00.002-05:00

I know that this is highly unusual... but I have been thinking about kissing all week. I saw you on Monday, and I could do is kiss you on the cheek. I have not cursed a fever blister so much to date. Since that moment, I'm embarrassed to admit that this has dominated my thoughts.

So, this is why I pulled you aside from your friend that is waiting for us. I'm mildly curious to think about what she thinks we are discussing. So be it for first impressions…

What I know is that I can’t sit through this performance without a kiss. For I know if it doesn't happen, it will continue to affect my ability to focus on anything that will be in front of me.

Can you help me? It will only take a moment. But it will free from a prison of something I have been yearning for. I will be able to focus on the performance that we are about to see. If you make me wait till, to the end of the evening, I will have to petition the Geneva Convention to add this torture to it known list of cruel and unusual punishments.

Help me...

Make Up and Ice Cream...

2010-09-15T06:59:00.006-04:00

I was talking to a friend of mine that is at business school and he laided a couple of fun facts out. That are silly. UNDP, the United Nations Development Programme reported that annual American spend about $8 billion in cosmetics and European spend about $11 billion in ice cream annually. That is a lot of money. But they also report that $6 billion would provide basic education for everyone. $9 billion would provide clean water and safe sewers for the entire world. So no more water born illness.

This seems to highlight a fundmental truth in our world... Make Up and Ice Cream make the world go round; not water and education.

Who knew??

DJSpeaks... "Love the way you Lie"

2010-08-11T19:24:00.001-04:00

So Eminem's "Love the Way You Lie", is doing well this summer and is a solid hit for him and Rihanna. The song subject matter ties into their personal lives. There have been some critic's of the song and the video of it because it intermingles love and abuse. Love and craziness... of what it can be like to be in that type of relationship. In one frame to the next, you see lovers and then you see combatants.

But I can think of story with myself. I'm not the hero in the story. I'm not sure that I'm the villain either. But it is not does not show me in the best of light, but I'll tell this story.

M and I are no longer together, nor do I think this story played a part on why we spilt. If you are interested in that story, it’s in the earlier post. It was early in our relationship. But there was heat between M and I. She liked to test the boundaries with me. She did this in all sorts of ways. And she was a little destructive in her personal life. She tested them one night.
We were out drinking with friends at bar near her place. She lived about 5 minutes walk out Harvard Square. It was late. It was time to go. M tells me that she had to go to the bathroom before we walk out because hell, we have been drinking. Me, being the good boyfriend that I am waits patiently for her to return. I wait … and I wait. And out of the corner of my eye I see M talk to some guy. I start making my way over across the crowd room. I get there. The guy stops talking and M’s face had the must guilty look on it. I yoked her out of the club. At the front club in Harvard Square, I’m yelling at her. “M what the fuck!! What the fuck!!” I shook her. I shook her hard. She is crying trying to explain. What is there to explain, she was trying to get with this other guy or this other guy was trying to get with her and she was receptive. We were screaming, yelling in the front of the club. We were screaming, yelling and crying at her apartment. After all that… we made up like all young couples do. When words can’t sooth you and you need to be reassured of the strength of our relationship, we found comfort our touch and with our bodies.

Here we are years later, after the relationship… This is the only time the thought of striking a woman crossed my mind, a less man would have hit her. I shook her. Was I wrong? Did commit the same sin as Eminem? Did we not play out the cycle that was shown in that video, from combatants to lovers?

Years, later I still don’t now I to feel about that story…

Weighted. Measured. Lacking???

2010-07-07T18:11:00.003-04:00

On the 3 month-ish marks with the new girl; learning about habits that I would I have to cope with. It is nice to reminded that someone can crave you. Remembering what it's like to curl up with someone. Seeing what's good about being coupled and feeling the pains of being paired.

In the last few months, it has been said that I'm emotionally measured. New girl is not. Or she is not as successful in the art of being emotionally measured as me. In times when she is less inhibited, generally alcohol has been in an amount that is not suitable for her, she tells me that, “I don’t like her”. She says it’s because I don’t show her. I know what she wants and I’ll not give it.

Why… Because it seems like I don’t feel anything anymore. I have spent a good amount of time on this blog talking about it. It's right here in black and white… That relationship broke something in me. So now I'm afraid… I know this. I have given voice to it before. It does not make it less true.

The question is… what to do with it. So let put the pattern out there. When my relationships start to become more serious, only in the respect that the girl wants more, I stay the course. Because I know that I’m scared of being hurt so I know my instinct is to run. I make myself stay. I know that I don’t feel now … but I will … I will I tell myself. OK…. The last time I was down this road… I found out the girl was not mental stable. Not normal crazy girl shit… like this may lead to hospital stay sh*t. So I cut and run…

So, the question that I’m asking myself at the moment… I don’t know went I like someone… It sounds stupid when I write it. But I can’t tell if I’m scared to feel or if I don’t feel it because there isn’t anything there to feel.

I can hear all of the standard advice on this… you feel it when you find the right girl. Your time will come. What if I already found the “right” girl, it’s just there will be no us between me and her anymore. Life without partnership … is still life. It’s not like I have not loved before. Don’t cry for me, there are many with way worst lots in life than me. I just putting it out there, that this could be my truth.

3 Leffes in

2010-01-06T18:52:00.005-05:00

I looked for answers at the bottom of my beer glass... All that I found was a empty beer glass that looks like it is covered in soap scum

I looked to excitement ... All I found was plane and a man that pushed me out at 1500 feet above the ground.

I looked for love... So I turned to several electronic match makers ... All I found was awkward moments. With strange message being passed to and fro.

I looked for riches... All I found was a job that helps others pad there pockets.

I looked for responsibility .. So I got a mortgage... Now I get bent over every month. But I do have a smile on my face.

I looked for human contact .. All that was found was text messages in black and white.

I looked for intimacy ... All that was found were women that offered there bodies but our souls always failed to meet.

But I'm still seating here looking for meaning. .. And dare not ask for my fourth Leffe...

I have seen Reckless

2009-11-17T15:55:00.002-05:00

I went to the opening on this past Friday night. It was the first time I was at the SpeakEasy productions. The show was good. The set design to clever and used well by the actors.

Although it was slow in the middle, I enjoyed the play. It was one the plays that had to pause to think about it I liked it our not. I think that it was the mood changes in the play that I was not ready for. But I see and understand why they were so important in this version of Reckless.

If you don't have plans to see... Change them... And see it.

You'll like it, I promise.

Prayed for!!

2009-11-04T19:55:00.005-05:00


We stood in a circle
  my mother was there
  my father was there
  my sister was there
  my uncle was there
  my aunt was there
  my nephews were there

We bend our necks, closed our eyes, lowered our heads
   And my Grandmother spoke... 

But in these next few minutes... I knew what was said. 
Not because I was able to parse the words ...

Our mother tongues are different... she spoke in her tongue.
   And in this language, 
      I can only greet you,
         and may be ask if you would like more Tea

But I could feel her pleading with God... 
Making her case on why the Lord should shower me with his blessing.

I felt what hopes she has for me... 
I felt what dreams she has for me... 
I felt the love that she has for me... 

In this moment I remembered that
   I'm a living moment for all those that came before
        and I will be template for those follow.

In that moment... although I do not speak... I understood.

Maybe a prayer was answered.

Nothing to say....

2009-11-04T19:15:00.003-05:00

Have you have had those spells... where you believe that your voice is gone? These spells seems to be long the older I get. And when I do have something to say... it does seem to have the same punch as it did in my yesteryears.

I think the things that are on my brain are least interesting to the world... but rather personal to me. As if, some of my thoughts are not personal. I'm thinking about mortgage, career advancement, my image and will my friends children survive the protection that my friends have put up around them.

I miss thoughts about the purpose, the quest, the pain of love.... I seem to have made up my mind of what it is for. And what role love will play in my life.

I miss my thoughts about the purpose, the utility and the nature of violences.... I seem to have made up my mind on that

I miss my thoughts on what is to be good, in this world, in country and within me ... I seem to have made up mind on that

I miss my thoughts on the nature of politics, tho I'm young, it seems like I have seen those seemly pointless endeavors.

So, I sit quietly, listening to people younger that me ... ask the questions that I once asked of myself. Seeing if the answers that they come up with; comfort them, anger them and sometime beat them.

For I have nothing to say....

White only swimming...yup! Still... in 2009

2009-07-10T12:54:00.002-04:00

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/video.

This hard to believe in today America. But yup... racism is still alive... and they are not even concealing it!

Black Folks and indoor tanning booths

2009-07-02T16:59:00.001-04:00

We were talking about the terrible weather in Boston this summer session. The sun has barley been out. We all talking about why our mood maybe affected. So were we were talking about going to a tanning salon. Make some vitamin D, get some sun in anyway we can.

I was thinking that it would be hilarious me walking into a tanning salon looking for service. But when I did a search on the inter web and the inter nets... I learned that some black folk tan in tanning salons. And I thought I was going to be a first. I also learned that some black folks were looking on for spray tanning products. Man...

Fiction: Femi..

2009-06-25T09:45:00.003-04:00

It wasn't his failure but somehow it was his responiblity.

Walking in to this location was not Femi's first option. Walking in knowing what he knows is simply dangerous. He has people to protect: two daugthers and two sons. What if this thing goes sideways.

Femi does an equiment check.

knife. check.
rope. check.
gun. check.
40 thousands dollars in cash
check.
80 thousand in pounds check.
100 thousand in hong kong dollars
check.

He knows that Brother Ade is going to be there. People just call him the Oga of Ogas. It is unclear how Brother Ade amassed his wealth. So people say that he made his money in the East. They say he was the man that they oil companies would call if they need landed to clear of the people for it's oil lines. Cleared of people that is. Other people say that is traffiking girls from north. Making them do unspeakable things in dark rooms with men that are willing to unleash their dark passion from there dark souls. But truth be told many things are said, no ones know which are true and which are stories. But Femi know this, he can walk in and he may not walk out.

Doing business in the middle of an African night, no one will find till morning. Because unlike what Femi grew up with, street lights at every corner, a corner store not being to far off. In the streets of Lagos, that is simply not the case. The moment his car light turned off. It was black. Pitch black.

He walks to gate. But there is no security out front. No seccurity behind the gate. The gate is ajar. No light on the buliding. He thought it would be motion detection lights but still pitch black. He makes it to the door in eerie silient. He walks thru masion having to turn on lights. No one there. He makes his way upstairs. He finds the Oga's office. But on the chair, he finds a box. On the box it says "Play me". He see an ipod docked with a speaker set. He plays it...

Oga... your time has come.
I believe I'm doing God's works by wiping you off
the planet.
For your heart is inked black.
For your soul is to corrupt.

To save thousands more and avenge the thousands more you have taken
I will guide you to St. Peter.... he can judge you.

God speed. Oga!

Femi is opens the box and see a bomb. FUCK!! 58 seconds till it blows. He looks across the office and thru the window he see a palm tree next to the house. He runs full speed to crash thru the window. Because hell that always works in movie. Femi crashes into the window and bounces back and falls on this ass. Femi know thats this is his only way not. He back up, pulls out his gun and shoot the window several times. He tries again. This time he land on the palm tree. He is have trouble holding on. He is slippig down the town. And then the bombs goes off... and then he on this back on the ground... what the hell???

Ken and Barbie

2009-06-10T19:09:00.003-04:00

I know that what I want. I know what I have to do get. But it's against my nature to do what I have to do ... to have it. I want to love the girl... but I know it is best just to love the moments. The question is... do I want the girl.. or do i want a girl. I know that is it only an article that separates them... "a" versus "the". For "the" girl is replaceable and interchangeable but the "a" girl may not be."The" girl is the girl Barbie, a woman that all your boys see, and give you that dap with a quick glance at you, and then their eyes quickly track to her behind. And it's easy, sort of, to get her. Because all you have to do is be a Ken. Ken is only charming in short periods of time. He is aloof because Barbie is not his only interest. He makes her, Barbie that is, compete for his attention. She thinks that she hates this about him, but in secret this is what is keeping her around. For in a life a woman test seems to be what she can control,own and show off as material. Ken is no different, just a little bit more interesting, to control. And the second that Ken let that happens, Barbie wins and they are done. "A" girl is not a Barbie. She seems to be with you for because she believe the two of you and be a unit; can be like one heart beat in two bodies. "A" girl and "the" girl both believe in love. Love just means two different things to them.

The question for me is... do I want to be a Ken?

HBO and there No. 1 Ladies'

2009-06-04T16:23:00.001-04:00

OK. It is a known fact that HBO puts out quality programming. But I have to tip my hat to them with the series "The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency". This one of the few examples that I can think of that a western media(movie/television) outlet is telling a story in Africa about Africans with the lack of traditional western African stereotypes. The western media did have a long history of using Africa as an exotic location to tell stories of western people. This series is another example of this mode of thinking dying.

Besides the show, the stories, the acting, and the production being first rate. I like that it will give people a sense of modern day African life. When I was young and when I would tell my schoolmates that I was African. I remember some of them would as me... so how did you get here. Me being only in grade school, I would say that my father paddled us here across the Atlantic Ocean and had to fight off sharks. I would say my father is very strong. Many of them would believe me. For them, the idea that I come in a plane was unfathomable until I put the thought in there mind.

I dont think young American childern have that old silly thought on Africa in there head an more.

Groove of Life

2009-06-04T16:02:00.002-04:00

On a daily basis, we come up against what we want, what we need and what we wish for. We choose moment to moment what our lives will be. How it will be shaped. Who will shape it. But at time, no, most of the time does it not feel like these choices have been made. There is a groove to life and we have a choice to buck it or follow it. The funny thing is that at any moment you can choose to follow the grove or buck: love the grove of life or fuck the grove of life.

Sometime it is not clear what you are choose. You think that what you are doing is novel or at least it is the right thing for you. But when you turn there, there is someone doing what you are doing or doing what you plan to do. And then somewhere, somehow, or even not in your conscious mind, you think is this what I want.

There have been few times when that the answer has been clear. What fuck should I do when it is not??

This is part of the reason I have faith. Faith in what I'm doing, what I'm choosing is the right and/or best thing for me.

Good moments in bad places

2009-06-03T19:15:00.002-04:00

I know that she is not a good girl. I know she is not a good girl for me. But there was something...

No one that knows her would describe her as sweet girl. She does not give you that warm feeling. But I can say this...

She kissed me sweetly... In that moment when we shared breath, I think I tasted a bit of her soul. I know that it sounds silly. Maybe it is silly, but there was something there. Something more that my lips touching hers.

From the liner of my notebook...

2009-06-02T19:33:00.002-04:00


I believed in the many loves...
   unitl I met One.
And now
   it is hard to believe
      that I'll met another love.

Air France

2009-06-02T19:27:00.002-04:00

I know that I'm being childish... but I can't help but think of LOST and Oceanic Flight 815. A very very silly part of my brain is queiting thinking... it's real. How did the the JJ Abrams know???

Then the rational part of me feeling gulity that I had that silly thought.

Bad Djspeak!

Cartoons...

2008-10-08T16:13:00.001-04:00

When you have pictures like this. Why write 1000 words.

What was said???

2008-10-08T15:41:00.002-04:00

In these moments, I do ask myself that question. This is what I imagine... Anyone of these one liners would have been great.

Obama: I'm going to get you SUCKA!
Obama: I am ... THAT GUY ... the one sending you back to Senate.
Obama: I'm nastier that you...
Obama: I'm bigger, blacker and better that you.
Obama: John, you're not going to have a good month.
Obama: John, I can tutor you if you need help with history.

This week in Blackness

2008-09-18T14:32:00.003-04:00

I'm a fan. I think that this hilarious. But I have to say, I would like to have some Obama Waffles. Do you think I can get some on EBay?

The only good thing if McCain wins...

2008-09-15T08:55:00.003-04:00

SNL will be great... the material will be endless...

Understanding from looking from the outside in... ?

2008-08-05T12:47:00.002-04:00

I have proposed this question to myself; If one is not of a movement, sharing the identity of those who started it, can they be of the movement?

This thought only came to mind because, I'm trying to validate the argument that men can't be feminist, they can only be pro-feminist. Quoting from Wikipedia:

Feminism is a movement and a body of ideas developed by, for, and about women. Men can never fully know what it is like to be a woman. By calling themselves feminists, men could preempt and take over the feminist movement, thus stifling women's concerns and voices

Does this argument stand up? If one was to replace the word women with black in the above argument. Does it make sense? Only black people can be part of a black movement for non-black can't fully understand what it is like to black. So in turn, non-blacks can be pro-black movement but of the black movement. But if I remember my history correctly, there were black movement organizations from the 60's that had white members. And if there members of an organizations where core belief was in the black movement, don't they, the white members, by extension part of the movement. Wouldn't that give them the right to call themselves as part of the movement? So again.. where those members only pro-black movement or part of the black movement?

Race like gender is a charged subject. That exercise did not clear the matter for me.

What about he question, can a French national could have been an American Revolutionist? Can only Americans be American Revolutionist? In this matter, for me, the answer is clear. Yes, only Americans can be American Revolutionist. I'm not sure everyone would agree with me. And does this port well to men being feminist or not?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

2008-06-12T15:09:00.000-04:00

I learned early in life. I have been thinking about one of our old childish way that we pick things.

Eeny, meeny miny moe... I have just learned of the nursey rhymes has a rich history and checkered past. There are racist version of this rhyme against African-American and a version that targeted against Japanese - Americans. Learning all these tainted my orginal anaylsis of this American nursey rhyme.

But I'm going to re-tool, re-take, for my mine, purposes. It is the American way, if you dont like something re-interperate.

I was thinking that it is a valid way to look at life, to look at love. We used in our youths. We used to pick which things we wanted. Used for to pick how was on our team when we were playing games. Is that not what the search for a parnter is... picking/finding someone that is going to be on your team. I say that finding love is not to different from; eeny, meeny miny moe. I think that it has the instrustions that we are meant to live our life partners with. For in the middle of the rhyme it talks about catching a tiger by it's toe. I think that you can substitue a tiger by toe, with catching love. I think that the rhyme is wise and telling.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
Catch a tiger by the toe
If he hollers let him go,
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

My mother said
To pick the very best one
And you are it. or [And you are NOT it].

Catch that love by the toe. And if that love hollers let it go. It is an old theme. If you love someone let me go, and if they dont come back, you werent meant to be. Maybe that is how we'll know if we are picking the very best one. And depending on who is picking, you'll want to be it.

Michelle Obama: The new Claire Huxtable

2008-05-13T14:57:00.002-04:00

Most men that I know, are on a personal mission, a quest to find there Claire Huxtable. I'm not the only one.... TAN has made the same observation. Clair Huxtable is a prefect balance of beauty, grace and intelligence. Mrs. Huxtable was/is fictional. But that is no longer the case. Claire Huxtable is real, she is Michelle Obama.

I can see if now... hundreds of educated black men jealous that Barrack was successful in this quest. Claire Huxtable is no longer a fictional ideal, fictional dream. Barrack has give me, and I imagine some other men like me hope. And this is not the hope that he has been talking about on the campaign trail. Barrack is saying..."Ok, Boys I have found my Claire, a Mrs. Huxtable ... and your quest is not in vain".

It is the counterpoint to some of the black media, specifically black movies that escape goat black males; Movies like Something New, and Waiting to Exhale. I agree with there message that a black man is not only type of man that can make you happy. But often these movies seem to imply that hoping for one is feudal. The Obama's are that counterpoint. Michelle and Barrack’s quest was not feudal. Hope is great but proof is infinitely better.

With this proof… I’ll solider on…

Too much information... Or not enough

2008-01-04T23:29:00.000-05:00

by metropol21 of Flickr

We trip over our pasts, this is the problem with baggage. We trip over our lack of experience. We trip, we have loved to much and hurt a bit too often. These two romantic problems are humorous, if that is the correct word for it, in there own right. One, you have too much information, you are too familiar with the possible terrible outcomes because you have lived to many of them. With a lack of experience, you don't have anything to go on, thus everything can be scary.

You are either jaded or timid. This is the curse of baggage. Most of us have some, the key is to have a "manageable" amount. What the hell is a manageable amount? If you are not jaded or timid and single, the amount that you have is manageable.

To a manageable future... that will be the toast of the new year.

Dear Santa Claus

2007-12-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa Claus,

I know that is a little late. And I'm too old to believe in you but I've decided to make a list anyway. I'm going to check it twice. I've been a very good man this year. Granted most of the "things" on the list are not tangible but that does not mean they are not important or they would not affect me and the people in my life. I know that most of your requests are tangible like, model cars, video games, and other crap that kids want these days. So, if this is not in your area of abilities, please feel free to give my request to your boss.

The list( in no relevant order)

Clear the mind of those whose feels for me are unclear. And let those feels good or bad be clearly reflected in there words and there actions.
Grant me the courage not only to now the way but to walk it as well.
Let me able to please those who has put some of there joy in my hands. Please let me be a generator for what they put in, and return that joy many folds over.
Help me not to be so stubborn and prideful. Sometimes good guys lose.

Thanks Santa, ah... Mr. Claus and Merry Christmas

djspeak

Lost in Dance

2007-12-15T11:19:00.000-05:00


Ok... I'm guilty.
I can't dance salsa, but
 I cant question the excitement
 I have when she is in arms
 I wonder if she can feel my excitement
        I wish when she touches my hand all my feels are communicated
        When I hold her, and my hand is on the small of her back,
            wish I could know her feeling

 But I cant let it take over.
   Because if I did...
   where would be no room for...
           left right left
           right left right
           fast fast slow
   And if that gets to far from my mind
   I'll a make scene,
       worst I'll get on her toes
    
Salsa, and it's hazards
     her eyes
     her playful smile
          and my heart that is beating just a little too fast

But I have to admit, my favorite dance floor for two of us, is her kitchen floor
 away from prying eyes
     a place where I can giggle at my missteps
     if there is place that I can get lost
          with her presence, it's there
       
Left, right, left...
 shit, what's next???

Unspoken...

2007-12-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

by SJBequeath --flickr

You know when you have to say something... to that person. That new person, that you just started to feel something for. But you can't because it's too new. It's not even new... because there's no "it" yet. But you hope that there will be an "us". But before then... we bite our tongues. To much feelings, to soon... is going to set off a the pysho flags. And the hopes of "us" will be lost, because you couldn't hold your emotions to your chest.

I can't tell her... so I'll tell you.


You can't admit early on
  that you had a daydream about her

You can't admit 
  that you pictured her climbing on you
    and giving you a kiss

You can't admit that
  you are intoxicated 
    by her wilds

You can't tell her
  that you would consider bartering
    with a demon and/or an angel
      If they promised your affections

We won't admit... We won't tell.

sex, public sharing and insecurities of those who tell them

2007-11-22T10:44:00.000-05:00

It seems like the general knowledge that people that share sexual experience in public, like a bar with a group of friends, are more likely than not to be share not only the experience of sex but also sharing there insecurities. To grab attention in this matter, some believe this a cheap way to be a center of attention.

Yes, it is sensational. Yes, it is a attention getting. It's an "easy" way to connect other another person. But connecting to other people is not always easy. When you are in a big group and/or a new group we generally limited to shared experiences. This is very "base". To reach the most people, you have to go to the lowest common denominator. Sex is clearly one of them. This is why when you go and see a comedian more often than not they talk about sex in some part of there show. We all understand something about sex. And to share this experience, not only to another person but group... shows courage??

Is it possible in the mist of talking about how you physically connected with another person, you may connect in non physical way with the person you are sharing your experience with. People seem to in general have trouble talking about higher ideas and concepts. But details,everyday-ness and things that are base come easily to most of us. For questions like...

Who are you?
What is your purpose?
Are you happy?
How do you deal with idea that the people that made you, will leave you...
Do people really like me for me?
Am I worthy of being loved?

We can't ask people those types of questions. We can't ask those questions to new people in our life. But I can trivia thing... details and people are ok with that.

Where did you go to school?
Where are you from?
What's your favorite food?
Do you have siblings?

We can all ask these types of questions to one another. Without weirdness, without being social awkward details and trivia matters are generally the conversation of the day. For me, it is how one has those everyday conversations with another person that reflects on the security of how they relate to one another.

But sex is different. It is very intimate. It's very personal. It has crossed over in way, because it something very private but it can asked about in a group. You can be playful about it. You can be defensive about.

Sex is that question that you can get a quick looking into the private of life of those who choose to answer. So, I say... share if you can. And if you can't...

To Old to believe in Monsters….

2007-11-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I think I do believe in monsters. I know the month for that just pasted. Maybe that is why it is on the brain for me. I know that these type of believes are reserved for younger people; children. But when I think about it… I’ve seen them and there effects.

I have seen a man’s soul sucked dry. True, I have not seen the bite marks on there neck. But I’ve seen the bite marks in there life. I’ve seen them walk around, as a former shell of people they once were. That’s the mark of a Vampire. I’m sure that you have seen this too.

Do you not know that person that can’t control themselves? That person that is running to destroy themselves and/or there life. They seem like they have a beast inside them. They always have a trigger. For them, that trigger can’t be avoided. I have not seen a Werewolf. But I’ve seen tons of people wrestling with an inner beast.

I have not seen a Banshee before. But when I was volunteering in my local hospital when I was a teenager, I remember the deafen cry a mother made when she lost her child. Her cry for a moment seemed to tear a hole in our world like she was attempting to call her child back to the place where she could not follow.

Maybe this lesson came too slowly for me. For I understand that there is evil in the world. I understand that bad things happen to everyone. At times bad becomes evils, because no other moral rational way to understand some events in our world. So, I’ll say it again… I believe in monsters. I think you should too.

Clubs||Traditions||Rituals

2007-09-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

The month of August was a blur of rituals and traditions. This is because I have been traveling for weddings and rituals surrounding weddings. I have made an observation. Before men I know take the plunge into married life, they act like a fool before hand. Typical. Normal. Some would say understandably so... My question is why do they call strip clubs... gentleman's clubs? You know when you walk in , there are not gentlemen inside. You are surely not going to behave like a perfect gentlemen when you walk in? So... Where are all these gentleman that theses sings are referring to?

I'm just curious?

The Question I was asked....

2007-08-25T17:04:00.000-04:00

Would you rather........

Be thought of as a bumbling, incompetent fool by everyone you work with

as sexually inadequate by everyone you sleep with?

It is a fair question... At it's core I think that are a couple of things one would have to weight to answer the question...

1. Money vs. pleasing your lover
2. Pleasing the public vs. pleasing people in your private life.

On these two issues,I'm split on how I would weigh in. With the first issue I would pick money over sexual gratification of my partner. But I would rather please people in my private life over the people in public life.

For one, with sexual gratification one can be instructed on how to be a better lover. There are drugs and pumps etc... And sexual gratification is a big part of a relationship but money can ensure that you would be able take of all of there other needs.Perhaps my gender is strongly influencing my answer. But being an dumb ass at the job, comes with several big headaches. You will not advance. You will not be paid well for your efforts. You may have trouble holding a job. Like that song in the 80's said... you have to have a J-O-B if you want to be with me. Plus, no one will learn that you cant f*ck, if you cant attract a girl. It is real hard, if you are broke.

So, sadly I would have to go with bad in bed. But hopefully someone will educate.

How would you answer?

Coincidence

2007-07-16T16:51:00.000-04:00

My ex-girlfriend put a hex on me, OK... maybe not hex, but it something. I think that she took back the wallet that she gave me. It's either a hex, something extra-worldly or she followed me. Lurching in the shallows, stalking me and when my back was turned leaped like acne faced teenage boy told that he was going to get a BJ from Jessica Biel.

Or... I lost my wallet. If you one of those people that believe in the mostly likely answer is gernally the right answer. You stop now reading. But, if you are looking for an alternative...

The facts:

July 12 was my ex's birthday
My ex gave me the wallet as a Christmas gift
I broke up with her
I never lose my wallet. (Mom confirmed this)
July 12 was the last time I used and saw my wallet
Swam at Walden Pond after work
Friday morning the wallet, 404ed on me.

Coincidence??? ... yeah it is ... :)

From Today's Scratch Pad

2007-06-06T17:31:00.000-04:00


We all suffer
All artist suffer for their art
Thus....
           We are all artists!!
                    So the question becomes
                           What is your medium?

Lord... please do not let my Mom see this...

2007-06-05T16:26:00.000-04:00

This article is talking about how marriage good, bad or otherwise helps in ones psychological outlook. I've been getting this song and dance lately on the home front. "When am you going to find a nice girl and start a nice family". This is all the I heard this past weekend, when I was home. I don't need to give my mom more ammo, she has tons.

But it is interesting... If you want to be happier in life... simply make any woman your wife. Hmmm...

Marriage ?=? vows & commitment... thus, makes happier people.

Singleton

2007-05-14T20:46:00.000-04:00

Shit... You can always tell when my ass is single... this is the crab that I start writing in the margin of my notebooks. It is funny that it is the margin of my notebook, 'cause it is not on the margin of my thoughts. When I had to escape from a boring meeting my minded wandered to this.


 She told me that i do not how to love.
        I told her that I once knew. Show me, she says. 
        I paused... I thought, then I realized that I had forgotten.
            She asked me to come closer and she will help me remember.
I took a step forward and something was coming back.
Remembering craving to be in your loves presence.
       The times when you wake in the middle of night,
          and you pull her a little closer, thinking that life is good.
         Being her personal teddy bear.
          Then I stopped, because I remembered the pain.
I told her that this is going to end badly. 
It might, she replies. She continued... but it may not end.

How can I move forward,
 if I believe it is just in the same place where all that pain will be?

Thinking about advertising

2007-05-10T18:16:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm on a fear factor type of show with the host standing over me saying; "You have 60 seconds to convince me that I should drop my panties for you, let down my emotional defense system and know I can bring you around my friends without you being a fool." My response would be me staring blankly for the first 20 seconds saying, "AH... AH". I know what I want to say... the question is how.

Wish I could say...

I want to be bewitched by my ideal woman. Bewitched because she has to capture all of my senses and render them useless. Mind, body & soul in unison saying, "YES", this is the woman for you. Think back to one of the old cartoons, Tex Avery, his heart would jump out of his chest, his eyes would sketch -- so he take it all in and his body would tilt at a 45 degree angle; that is what I want to feel. Do you think you can charm me... bewitch me... cast a spell on me. If you can do that... all of your others details are not relevant. If you are this woman, press the reply button.

The tame version...

Hi... This is the part of the profile that I string together a list of adjectives like..generous, caring, adventurous, easy-going,etc. It's true that I'm those things. And I would love to find those qualities with someone, and maybe we can spend summer evenings hanging out. Be it at Walden pond with a full moon, or a great spot that overlooks the city were we can use the stars as our own private light show. But let me tell a story from my younger days...

Back in the day, I loved Eddie Murphy. I saw Coming to America and loved it. (who doesn't???) A couple of years later I was in 8th grade. I asked just about every girl in my 8th grade class to marry me. I told them I had to get married before my 15th birthday, otherwise I would lose my right to my throne in Nigeria. I promised them riches and comfort. I told them I could make them a Queen. I don't know why I did this...but it was fun and funny. I loved seeings the look or their faces. You can see the thought,"Is he serious???". And they would always smile, no matter what their response was. Some of the girls asked me to call their parents because their parents did not believe them when they told them. I got some yeses... And I talked to a couple of fathers. You would get down with a prince, right? :) Many things changes but some things remain the same.

"Go on honey, do it", reply...

So... How did I do?

Generally not my Speed... But

2007-05-04T16:59:00.000-04:00

I met Emily White this past Wednesday night. She is friend of friend type thing. But the bottom like is that I loved her show. It was in an intimate setting, Toad bar in Cambridge. I was feeling her that night so, I got the album -- You should check her out.!

She maybe at a party I'm going to Saturday. (nice!) I think she is cute(ok...) I don't think she is into dudes...[:( ]

To Match or Not to Match

2007-05-04T16:45:00.000-04:00

Internet dating is the norm these days. It seems like everyone does it. The Internet has produced tons of weddings & seems to be a pretty good cupid. But I can't bring myself to start a profile on Match or something like Match. I think that Match.com and it's friends, maybe killing romance. The problem with virtual romance is that ... it's virtual. Virtual, by definition is 'false', right?

Maybe I'm rebelling against the idea of Match because I know that djspeak does not represent me. A written profile is not the best way to get a sense of me. And for me, all profiles, would ring false. If not false, not highlighting my stronger talents. But this is evident when I try to send a simple email to a woman that I have not seen in a bit.

But it's also has me a bit curious. For the nature of first impression are different, for in the way that one seeks a partner. Is it reasonable to wonder if people will lost the ability to 'kick game', 'chat up' a potential partner in person? And if this art is lost... what else are we losing with it?

What to write to her...

2007-04-29T00:29:00.000-04:00

I want write this woman that I met about 6 months ago. I have no reason to contact her... Other than, I'm interested, interested in learning a bit more about her. Plus, I think she is crazy cute. So... What should this email look like?

Hi [Girl in Question]
It has been sometime since I have had a chance to [hang out with you??] [ talk to you??] [see you??] [ah... shit... what to say???]. How are you? I trust that all is well.
<<"djspeak thoughts"> > this is the place that I have to interest something witty and cute. So that later in the email I can suggest that we should get together <<"/djspeak thoughts">>
<<"witty take1">> Did you know, that is Ancient Egyptian time that black was a symbol for fertility. The originals of this meaning is because the Nile would overflow in the beginning of harvest season and the banks would provide the best soil because when the river receded the soil was rich with nutrients. The foil was black. [ not witty.... I think mostly nerdy] <<"/witty">>
<<"witty take2">> You know that there is a high correlation between people that are depressed and with high IQ. Some think that this sugguests that people that are very smart understand the world for what it is and therefore are depressed. [hmmm.... no.... depressing] <<"/witty">>
<<"witty take3">>I have not say this since fifth grade but.... Do you think that I'm cute....
Yes
No
Maybe

... You know that you want to pick yes...
[cheesy....:) ]
<<"/witty">>
<<"djspeak thought">>It seems that I'm not witty nor cute.... what to do... what to do? I guess I should get to the purpose of this note<<"/djspeak">>

I just wanted to reach out(?is reach out a bad choice in words?) to you because the last time I hung out with you, I laughed my ass off. So I would like to return that favor. Or at least buy you a drink of some sorts. Perhaps something with caffeine or if you up for it, I can get you a something that has alcohol in it.

Djspeak

She said Pee NUS

2007-04-26T19:33:00.000-04:00

Like the lady said, work the middle!!

Nothing wrong with being a Type B....

2007-04-18T16:23:00.000-04:00

A couple of years ago I was telling people but a home spawn theory about boys, girls and the game. It is not the best theory that I have come up with. But it is based on some of the observations that I have seen, from people that I have dated, the people some of the friends have dated. This theory is based on how to juggle multiple women. I know.... I know not the most enlightening theory these days. But it is something men at some point in there life think about. Mind you, this is a theory that has it origins of this theory is from my college days. in Some men can do it with ease, most men wish that was the way of there life. Let me run down the basic theory for you.

If you are looking to juggle multiple women, one can only have one type B female and numerous type A females. So, what are type A females? Type A females are the women that are very career focus, not very warm, you as the male are only there to serve a purpose. They do not care about you, they may pretend to do so, because they are "meant" to because they are having a physically relationship with you. They are generally very self-centered. Type B women genuinely care about you. They want to have a relationship, they want to be your emotional outlet. They call you all the time. They want to know where you are. A Type B woman want to have your child, if that become an option between the two of you.

A friend of my a couple years ago, heard me example this theory. She once told me that she wants to be a Type A woman. She believes that they Type B woman is a wimp and asking to get hurt. Of course she tells me this after several drinks, but she thinks in her hearts of hearts that she is a type B woman. And this I say, B is the place to be.

What if Obama wins....

2007-04-10T16:01:00.000-04:00

I'm concerned. America's racial landscape is becoming increasing more complex. That is not to say that it was simple before. I think that people will think that the end of racial equalities will come because a black man lands in the White House. Obama wins.... I'm scared that they sub-title will be that America has now overcome it's racist past. American racism dyes with Obama's win. Or at least that is what the American public may think.

This past weekend we learned that Obama is a fundraising machine. He was only 1 million dollars behind the war machine of the Clinton's. But it is a complex time because I'm have trouble rectifying Obama for President when you see, Imus with this radio comments, Michael Richard racist act as KKKramer and the Sean Bell case of New York. Let's not think of the Hurricane that swallowed New Orleans and how that fits in a post-Obama world. There's some serious cognitive dissonance in the American psyche around this.

So, when people ask why I'm cautious about Obama because I do not think America is ready. Look at the news, and you can see why I think America may not be ready.

I broke it

2007-04-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

This pass Saturday, I broke up with the woman that I have been dating for the past 8 months. The main impetus for this that I started to sense that our level of attraction between two of us were on two different levels. She is a very introverted person. I was not sure if she was that into me. But I have been getting, signals that this is not the case. I have been keeping her at arm length, emotional that is, for my reasons. She was not keeping me at arms length, so the relationship, could not remain.

It is either both are serious or both are at play. It cant be one and one. I was the joker out of the two of us.

PlayWell & Lego's & Engineering

2007-03-07T00:58:00.000-05:00

Last week, I was in Oakland and San Francisco. I stayed with a couple of college friends. He is a director of a non-profit that provides after school programs that children that are between the age of 5 and 12. He is teaching basic engineering principals via Lego's. On my first day there I helped him teach a class.

I have to admit he has a cool job. Not only is it cool but it's fun. To oversimplify, he makes a living by playing with kids. When I was assisting him teach a class, I sent 3 hours playing with 3rd graders. Playing with these California 3rd graders gave me a sense of fulfillment. It's amazing how little people can renew one's faith.

If you know anything about me....

2007-03-02T09:42:00.000-05:00

This may give you a giggle. It is from an article that I was reading about a new movie called "Black Snake Moan".

Really, though, the character, played with his usual fearsome wit by Samuel L. Jackson, is a tried-and-true Hollywood stock figure: the selfless, spiritually minded African-American who seems to have been put on the earth to help white people work out their self-esteem issues.

It was in this moment, that I learned that I was a tried-and-true Hollywood stock figure.

What can you do... you are what you are.

Eavesdropping about Mr. Obama

2007-01-19T11:27:00.000-05:00

A couple of Wednesday nights ago, I was stood-up by most of my friends. So,I was waiting for one of my friends that I knew that was coming late. As I waited, I sat in the middle of two tables. The first table was a pair of early thirties white men and the other table was a couple of late twenties white women. What I overheard was interesting conversations or at least to me.

I was eavesdropping on the two men talking about Obama. They were talking about this possible (likely) candidacy. Me being an African-American I often feel like that I do not gt a genuine response from my Caucasian friends. It's not that I don't believe what they are saying in regards to race. It is that I believe my presence influences what they say and how they say it. That is why this eavesdropping was interesting to me. Two white men talking about race were my presence was not factor.

These men talked about how he was half white and that my save him from the racist. They continued to talk about the hope that he represents for the country. They were in love with the idea of Mr. Obama as Mr. President.

For me, this mostly shows something about my believes. I was shocked to hear this talk from them the people that I heard it from. Because I believe that America is not ready for an African-American president. But I would be happy to be wrong about that.

Deval Patrick's Massachusetts

2007-01-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

OK.... I have to admit. I was one of those silly people that believed that the day Mr. Patrick took office the streets of Massachusetts would magically change overnight.

I thought:

Black families would move to the state the very next day.
Boston would intergrate and mix ... No longer the white's in the north and everyone else in the south
Universal Health care would be magically implemented
Gay Marriage would be truly be a gay affair
THE BIG DIG would not cause any more problems
Massachusetts would become the friendiest state in the Union

The only thing that changed is that Deval Patrick became the first black governor of Mass. I guess that is pretty magical.

What if you are not that into her...

2007-01-09T18:27:00.000-05:00

First, let preface this by saying that it has been pointed out to me that I warm up to my relationships with women slowly. I'm the type of guy that will pick apart someone I'm invovled with so, I guess, I do not have to be emotionally intimate with them. All this I know.

Is the absence of pain, pleasure? What about the absence of evil, good? Is the absence of sadness, happiness? Maybe if it is not wrong, then it is right...right? I think that this what I'm facing in my relationship. Currently,nothing is bad, therefore everything is good... I think? She is a sweet girl, kind and very cute. But I think that I'm not as excited as I'm suppose to be.

Maybe I'm scared. The last relationship left me a little crispy. That could easily explain, why I'm not that excited. I'm just being a punk. I'm not willing to swim in the deep end. But I don't want that woman, the ex, to have that power over me.

I don't want to punish my girlfriend for not being her. ( the ex that is) Because she is not, and I know it would be, it is, foolish to compare the two. But am I simply rewarding my girlfriend for not being her.

Me and my girlfriend are not broken, so why do I have thoughts of ending it. Clearly, I'm not feeling right but she is not clearly wrong for me.

And I thought that all heros are in Fiction.

2007-01-04T15:11:00.000-05:00

I questioned if there were real heros. And I now that they are everywhere... our people in fire departments, our men and women in the armed services. They are sometimes the man that is standing next to you.

NYC a man jumps the aid of a man that has fallen on the tracks. He covers the two of them so they will not be hurt.

He is a big F-ing Hero!

The link to the story:

Man Is Rescued by Stranger on Subway Tracks

entanglement

2006-12-15T16:52:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks back in Brookline. I was the sticker that I posted on the a street lamp in Washington Square "Muslims Suck"

Two things, shocked me about this. One was the location of the this... anti-muslim feelings in an affulent corner of Boston. This is the same part of town that JFK was born . Two, I mentioned this to the people I was meeting and they brushed it off.

In a liberal town like Boston, for this to be unchecked, unchallegened sadens me. It is sad that the public is comingling the sentiment of Anti-Terrorism and being anti-muslim.

The two things are not the same.

The N*gger & The Nerd

2006-11-14T08:39:00.000-05:00

Assimilation is a dirty word. That is what this piece is about. I hear this man's voice and I hear a bit of me. So, I thought I would share.

Deval "Good Guy" Patrick vs Kerry "Dirty Bird" Healey

2006-10-24T22:45:00.000-04:00

A new poll has come out today giving Deval Patrick his biggest lead in the gubernatorial race in MA. Kerry Healey the republican candidate have made in my view some of the dirtiest political attack ads we have seen in a very long time. One of the ads seems to have a racial undertone in it. The reason that people are saying that it have a racial tone is because of that Mr. Patrick is an african-american. The ad seems to imply that people should be scaried of Patrick the way a woman maybe scaried in a dark parking lot in the middle of the night. Healey camp says that the point of the ad is to saw that Mr. Patrick will be soft on crime.

But I'm happy that the people of Massachusetts are not esponding well the negative ads. You can see the ads for yourself below.

New Doll Test & ME

2006-10-13T14:18:00.000-04:00

I heard a news story about the new doll test. They were discussing it and what it means today. If you do not know, the new doll test is the re-doing of the famous doll test from 1954 Brown v. Board Education. The shocking aspect of it is that it basically showed the same results as it did in 1954. The results of the test just yell out the question, have things really changed for Black America? Of course the answer is yes, but something still remains. But what the news story was bringing to light was the lack of outrage from the black community in the America. The news story talked about some the cultural reaction to the original 1954 doll test. In the 60's and 70's we would hear songs about how black is beautiful.

The news story raised a good question for me, why is the black community not outraged about the new doll test. It is an outrage that little black children see the white doll as better, as the good doll. The lack of outrage seems to point to me to the conclusion that black adults on some level agree with their younger counterparts. How good can that be for the psyche of child, to believe that black doll is the "bad" doll and that is the one that they are most like. How can self-loathing enter a person so early in life? Before the age of 5, they have an opinion of what America, their country, values and it is not them.

It seems like some people; believe that self-loathing is part and parcel with the black experience there in the States, but when people speak out against it. They are called crazy,no.. no.. excentric like our friend Bill Cosby. He spoke up about black children accepting less in life. He spoke up about black children as a whole believing that the bar is not as high for them. People were upset that he was speaking out against the black community; they said that he should not be airing out our dirty laundry like that. People were afraid that Cosby will give people who are not black the license to say that. Seemly not worried if what he was saying was true or not. Mr. Cosby was outraged. I believe, rightfully so.

I know that I can attest to my self-loathing. I know I have my own doll test. A couple of years back, I realized that I believe that I could not be the smartest person in the room. The smartest person in a room was generally always white. I will have to talk about my background for a moment. I was raised in a mostly white town in the suburbs on New York City. It was nice town with an excellent school district. I was a bright kid, I believe myself to be a bright guy. But it was always generally been the case that the smartest person in any classroom is a white boy. I was only later in life did I know that I have internalized that. The new doll test suggests that there maybe more negative message that I have internalized because I'm a black male.

Sometimes I wonder it is simply an issue of marketing, or rather self identity. I remember the disconnect I had when I was told I was black. I was young and looked at my crayon set and noted that my skin was more that like the color of brown than black. I most have scratched my head on that for a moment. But I also remember something more recently, I was at beach in Cohasset MA and a little boy (3 to 4 years old) was unable to take his eye off me. The little boy asked his father, "Daddy, what is wrong with that man's skin?" I hear the father reply to his son. A few moments later, I hear the father comment to his son, "it is not nice to stare." I imagine that little boy may have been having a similar disconnect that I had. The reason I'm thinking that it is a marketing issue is because the word black in of in itself is a charged word, even if you remove the the racial overtones. Black is the absence of light. Black, to a little person, is scary, unknown and like your room at night when you beg your parents for a night light. Symbols and label have meaning and because they can carry meaning they have power. Is it truly that surprising that a little child would say that the "black" doll is the bad one. They may, the children, could be intuiting the concept of black at an early age. Maybe people of African descent should think about move way from the concept of black, and think of ourselves as brown. To quote KRS-One.... "I'm not black, I'm not white, I'm not yellow... I'm brown!"

Incriminating

2006-09-23T22:46:00.000-04:00

The more that fight it… the more my emotions become out of whack, I know the cause. The cause is temporal. At the end of this month, marks something that is meant to be meaningless. It is starting to feel like my relationship with her was a lifetime ago. Starting to feel like, it didn’t really happen to me. Some of the details of what it was like when we were together are starting to fade. I don’t now how to feel about this. But I still fight the feelings… the date draws near, of an un- anniversary.

It is strange. On the anniversary of what would have been 3 years together. I think about when it really started for me. I guess, in the end, you think about the beginning, when I really started to love her with all my soul. It was not in the beginning of our relationship, the day that we recognized that we were more that just messing about. Because if you ask anyone that I talked to about it, in the beginning it was not a well hidden fact that I was skeptical. The events that surrounded the beginning of our relationship could be at best described as strange. If I was to re-tell those events, you may question my sanity.

But what I have been thinking about a lot is when I knew that I loved her. It was when we went to Mexico for my friends wedding. It was in the beautiful countryside, in a heavenly little chapel, of an exclusive Mexican golf course. We met there because our lives made it not an option for us to be in the same city or even the same state. In the mist of celebrating my friend’s love for his new wife, she became violently ill. For about the whole reception, she was losing liquids. Any means of liquids exiting her body, it was exiting. It was not sight to be seen. Not an event that you want to hear on the other side of a bathroom door. This continued for about six hours before I called my mother. I was never more thankful that my mother was a physician than I was that day. Describing what was going on to my mother was hard. I was not able to do it. I have not been so scared in my life. My friends had to talk to my mother for me on my behalf. My mother gave me instructions on what to do and I followed her instructions to the letter. She recovered. She returned to her life. We continued to be together, but loving from a distance. It was then, that I knew that I loved her. I had told her before that point that I did. It was then when my previous concerns, faded. The terror I felt could only be explained by my love for her.

A couple of days after I returned from the trip, my mother told me, that when I called from Mexico, she has never heard me so scared. She had never heard terror like this from me before. I told what it was like for me. I told how I paced when she was ill and for fearful I was. Not only did I know, I loved that woman, I think my mother learned it too.

These feeling put me in a fix, because I’m in a new relationship. I feel like that I’m being… “unfaithful” because I’m having these thoughts. When I hear sappy movies and songs that I’m drawn to the past, the new girl is great. Nice girl, sweet girl and I see her becoming more and more sweet on me. How can I be moving forward, if my emotions are struck in the past?

On the day of the “non-event”, I will be helping my new girlfriend move. I will focus on the future because the past is only full of lessons learned.

Toture: What is it good for...

2006-09-22T15:37:00.000-04:00

I have only started to think about the role of toture, again when President Bush is talking about article 3 of the Genvea Conventions. We all thought about when the stories of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay started to hit the news. People, I think, are generally averse to the idea of toture. I think it is the consensus that toture is never an option. Thisis consistant with what we believe with criminals. We do not let police have a free hand when we interograte them. I think that we believe the same is true with enemies of the state.

I'm unsure that I'm still on the same page as the country. War time is different. Civilan and cival rules do not apply... but should they?

I thought about Timothy McVeigh. One of the worst bombing, was done by a civialian. If we caught Mr. McVeigh before the bombing, would it have been wrong to toture him?

What is Black Culture....

2006-08-18T17:49:00.000-04:00

It seems like a simple question right... I was confronted with this what I was reading an article from the New York Times. The title of the article was Overcoming Adoption’s Racial Barriers. It raised several questions for me. Can black children learn and understand black culture from un-black parents? How important is it to have parents to have the same cultural understanding as the child? When white parents looking to adopt a black child they have to show that impart black culture to there child, it made me pause, and ask what is black culture.

It seems like an easy question, no? It is BET. It is style of dress. It is black films. It’s voting for Democrats. It’s soul food. It’s a shared history. It just is... right? Basically, it s a sum of values and behaviors that makes up a people’s lifestyle and approach to life. Culture is most easily seen in everyday life, like the things that I listed above.

What if you do like BET or Black films? Does that mean that you are not black? Of course not....
What if you do like the “that” style of dress? Does that mean you are not black? Of course not...What if you are vote Republican?.... Are you not black then... (well you have to draw the line somewhere...) No, No, Of course not...

If it black culture is truly values that expressed on a daily basis. Can someone that does not express it’s values on a daily basis, teach a child black culture?

Please don’t miss understand, I’m happy that these children are being a adopted. A loving family is clearly, a better choice for the child then foster care. So, these families may raise little Carltons and Carltonettes. ( I know that you remember our favorite white/black person from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air) And in the children’s future they will deal with there blackness or lack of it.

All I would like to highlight is... what is the role and importance of culture in raising of a child? And for the answer of this, I’m unsure.

One of my favorite quotes

2006-08-15T16:11:00.000-04:00

With all the guile of Satan himself, depression persuades you that its invasion was all your idea, that you wanted it all along. It fogs the part of the brain that reasons, that knows right and wrong. It captures you with its warm, guilty, hateful pleasures, and worst of all, it becames familiar. All at once, you find yourself in the thrall of the very thing that terrifies you. Your work slides, your friendships slide, your marriage slides, but you scarcely notice: to be depressed is to be half in love with distaster.

--(I cant remember the author) But the point is... it was not me.

Hollywood..Baby!!!

2006-08-14T16:37:00.000-04:00

My friend is the star of this short video. This is one of the funniest things I have seen. My friend a nice lad from New England.... He moved to LA... And now he is all hollywood... Or at least YouTubed.

I'm proud to say I know this man... CHUG AND BLOW ...baby chug & blow....

@ Bob's

2006-08-03T17:50:00.000-04:00

Last night, I was at Bob’s Southern Bistro (formerly named bob the chefs). I was at open mic night. It has been a long time since I been. It is not one the strongest open mic nights that I have been too. But is ok... It was good enough to get the creative spirits to move within me. I was thinking... No... Check that, I was worried that the older I get, the less creative I become. Thinking that you are dry is not an exciting place to be...

There was a young girl, there last night. She was about 17 or 18 years old. When she stepped up the mic... It gave the room pause, the young girl has presence. But she did this piece entitled “I am”. It was good, people were feeling it. It was reminding me of the searching for self that we crave at certain points in our life.

So I guess that.. my napkin piece is a personal response to this young lady. That is below.

 Untitled – (@ Bob’s Bistro’s Open Mic night)

Every Negro Tendency 

I have fallen off me ... With some of the ills that “frame” a brother
 --tardiness
-- no love for weed
-- the accent

Soulless brother in the soulless world
  To the point that... 
 A friend dated to call me pale ..
      When is plain to see  that the Negro is me ...
I’m from the place that when I’m in grade school
      People picked on me... 

Singing:
“ Booty Scratcher... African Booty Scatcher.... Booty Scratcher ... Africa”

It’s the place where my first breath was on this earth... on the CON-TE-NET of Africa.
But my contents is not ..FULL... 
   For my accent 
      Is 
        Lacking Urban sassiest
        Urban fav-or

But I stand for all to see
A Black man  
 with the sense of purpose
 with the sense of righteous
   with a sense of our forefathers
A Man.. much more...  that is no longer standing for less

A case of the nerves

2006-06-28T23:33:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning, I have an interview for a new position. I have had two phone interviews with company. I think they are interested in me.

Why I am nervous????

I'm excited and scared. My next job will take into account that I have a masters. Most of the jobs that have been calling me will double my pay. Which is exciting....

But the whole things... a little unnerving.

The Etiquette of Pity Sex

2006-06-28T11:23:00.000-04:00

I don’t know if did the right thing. I have not thought about the etiquette of pity sex. She was hurt, was hurting. I had what she needed at the moment to feel good. Is it wrong, to deny her. Yes it is true, it is not purely without self-interest. Yes, I’ll feel good too. So, I get some pleasure out of it. I do not think that invalidates, why I did it. And if it did, is it ever ok for a male to give pity sex? Males are seen to be predators when it comes to acquiring sexual pleasure; agents will to be ethically flexible to get the desired result. I wanted her to feel good, special, and desired. Does that make me wrong?

Here comes the fun part... I have to deal with the aftermath.

My neighborhood barber shop.

2006-06-26T16:44:00.000-04:00

I was in New York earlier this month. I was back home to visit my parents. They had a little party for me because I finished my graduate program.

During my time there, I visited my old barber shop from my youth. It is around the corner from my mom's office. I knew the original owner that passed several years back. The current owner has been cutting hair there since I was 10 years old. The barber that shaped me up chatted me up. Mostly for a better tip, I imagine, or simply to past the time. One the great things about a black barber shop, I can speak for all of them, but is it a place for male opinion... untainted, unrefined, untouched by a female voice.

The guy cutting my hair was ex-con. Talked about living a hard life. Coming from a single parent family. Talking about how he was a knuckle-head in his youth. He was telling me how he was envious of me. Talked about how he believed that I'm one of the most dangerous elements out there... a black man with an education. He believes ... that America fears me.

I have to admit... his comment to me gave me pause. Yeah, it is a little 60's and 70's black power, dogma... but he believes it. I was home to celebrate my graduation. A barber, that was a "bad boy", lived dangerously.... was a little gansta. He is envious of me... hmmm...

Or he was just chatting me for a tip.

It's hard out there for a woman....

2006-06-13T15:03:00.000-04:00

I have gotten two message from two different women, that gave me pause. One asked me to be frank with her about her looks.. She told that me that she never whats to be “devalued” my a man because of her looks.

Another women, messaged me and told me...

“ i do i am constantly
passed over or passed on by the men whose attention i am trying to
get.
I must simply exude an aura of desperation.
i do, don't i... djspeak? don't I?
i must. “

The crazy thing is that both of these women are pretty, attractive and fun to be around. It upsets me that they feel this way. One just broke up with her boyfriend. It's natural to feel depressed and unattractive. But devalued.... It seems like in her head, that she has made herself out to be an object of sorts. I know what she meant... and that it's in the context of talking about relationships... But it still does not seat well with me.

This makes me think of a track on one of Mos Def's CDs. I have to paraphase... but ... “ You are valuable... not because some guy or girl thinks that you sexy... not because you have a whole mess of money. You are valuable because you have been created by God.”

Faith is good for something...

Didn't Walk...

2006-06-05T22:31:00.000-04:00

Money, Power and a degree

2006-06-05T11:28:00.000-04:00

To my folks, is the key to life. If you are Lil' Kim, it would be mony, power and respect. But guess that is what a degree is meant to get you, a little bit of the respect. This weekend I was down to New York to see my folks who had a small party for me, for finishing grad. school. All of my New York relatives, came to house showered me gifts and love.

So I have to work on the other two important aspects of life, money and power.

Mother said it... in passing

2006-05-22T20:11:00.000-04:00

I was chatting with my mother a day or two ago. She made comment that upon reflection, I do not know what to make of it.

I told her a story about how I taught one of my friends a Nigerian pigeon phrase. ( pigeon is a type of "broken" English. It is generally a mix of English and several native languages) Na ye ye... is the phrase that I taught him. It means crazy, silly, kind of stupid. One would say.... my girlfriend is na ye ye... My brother is na ye ye.... Swimming Walden pond the second weekend in December is ... na ye ye. A common phrase that some people say is ... O Ebo na ye ye. O Ebo... the polite meaning is foreigner. So the meaning is, foreigners are crazy. The impolite meaning is, white people are crazy. My mother frowns on the term because some could say that it is racist. She is not wrong. But I think that the term was born out of, foreigners not knowing the culture and they, Nigerians, would say that they were ... na ye ye.

But what shocked me is... my mother said that I should be be careful, because I'm mostly likely going to marry an O Ebo girl....

I did not catch it in the moment... but I think that my mother said that I'm that type of black man that will only consider marrying a white woman....

Hmm.... I do not know how I feel about that....

She is still talking....

2006-05-19T10:15:00.000-04:00

I wish I could remove her from any social situations that I'm involved in. This time I have first had experience....

SBS and I are sitting on the couch bullshitting about to start episode 10 of Big Love . My housemate and his girlfriend walk in. We all are talking about whatever, small talk. She proceeds to put her foot in her mouth and pushes it in, to see if she can choke herself and embarrass me.

You need a little background information so that you can understand how she put her foot in her mouth. I have to define a term for you. "Jane Austin girl", this is a woman that has a strong connection to Jane Austin books and movies. I have noticed that these women generally are big big drama queens. Being a Jane Austin girl is not a compliment. I believe that SBS is a Jane Austin girl.

Back to my Housemate's girl trying to put me in a tight spot.....

The conversation turns Jane Austin and some of her works. And the troubling exchange:

Housemate's girl: Oh, I know, djspeak has mentioned that you are a big Jane Austin fan. I'm a big Jane Austin fan too. (Insert Jane Austin factoid)

Well... he has gone as far to say that you are a Jane Austin Girl.

SBS: ... Yeah... ( Insert tons of crap about Jane Austin books and movies information... I like the 6 hour version of Pride & Prejudice ... etc... etc... )

--> SBS did not know what we mean by J.A.G

HG: Oh... Sorry... djspeak, you probably did not want me to mention Jane Austin Girl to you. He has a couple of theories about people that love Jane Austin ... hehe... sorry..
SBS: Really????.... What are they?...

=== Break in the Action ===

That was amazingly... ah... how could she be, so..... I think that you know the words that I'm searching for. First, she knows that J.A.G. is not a good thing. Second, why did she have to bring up again... SBS had no idea...

I got out of the pickle that she put me in, with ease. But I should not have had too...

Clearly... less talking would be ... not great... But EXCELLENT!!

The Nigerian eBay: Picking a Wife

2006-05-17T20:34:00.000-04:00

My Mother calls me the other day and asks me if I would like to go to Nigeria with the family in December. Nigeria in December would be great. To get out of a New England winter for a week or two is a God spend. But I can’t help wondering if my mother has an ulterior motive.

Let me tell you a story that happened to me this past Christmas. Some of my family members are starting to press me on the marriage issue. This is important to keep in mind.

I’m over my Aunties’ house (my mother’s best friend from college) waiting for my cousins and sister so that we can head to the city. My Auntie takes this opportunity to corner me about my relationship choices.

She tells me that I’m a good looking man, with big shoulders; I should have no trouble attracting a pretty Nigerian girl or at least a Nigerian-American girl like me. She stresses that picking a partner is one of the most important decisions I will make in my life. With the right wife, life will be easy, good and lovely. She tells me that I should consider the way we do things back “home.”

The method back “home,” to the best of my understanding, has a little more family involvement. It seems quasi-arranged. Families will make introductions type thing. She tells me about one of her relatives that found his wife in the more traditional way. She described it in detail for me.

It seemed like eBay to me. She told me, how it would play out for me if I did it. They would have a little party for me, inviting only women that would be “well-suited” for me. I would sit in the parlor, and see which woman at the party have I taken a liking too. Tell the appropriate family member that is playing matchmaker and then you have a wife. That is what she told me…

This is what I heard…

It would be like picking a wife on eBay. I would sit in the parlor and ask each girl to come out. I’ll have her vital information in front of me. I’ll be able to ask them to change outfits, if I like. I would like to see them in there evening wear, Nigerian formal and of course, their swim wear. If I don’t like what I see…NEXT!!! Hmmmm…. Nigerian eBay….

I think that my mother is going to try to get me to participate in Nigerian eBay, if I go in December.

Should I go?

King Kong, that N*gga

2006-05-15T23:39:00.000-04:00

I saw King Kong a couple of days ago; it was the Peter King version. I know that I mostly missed the debate and discussion about what King Kong say/said about our society and culture. But seeing it recently have put some of the issue to the forefront of my mind. I know that people were talking about this 6 months ago, but … I still think that it is interesting. I did not see it in the theatres because of the racial overtones that are implied.

Some of the some tones were there as they were in the 1930’s. The question that I can’t over look is; how much America has change from the negative stereotypes of the 30’s. My guess is little, but I’m just talking. Black men as apes is an old stereotype. It is well documented that black men are seen has over-sexed, hyper-sexual, violent and other non-flattening ideas. Time has not helped this stereotype much. I do not know if it is currently has bad as it was in the 30s.

I’m looking at the original film; I’m thinking that it served as a warning. See…that is what happens when you mess about with a white woman. It does not end well. The new version has the same warning. “Law and order” is what put a bullet in the heart of Kong. As the movie states it was beauty that killed the “mighty beast,” I think that one was meant to read…”See… loving a white woman was the end of you.” But what is different in King’s version is that Ms. Darrow (the lead female character) loves Kong back. She loves him for protecting her, in the dangerous world that they are in. But their relationship although it had its tender moments, it was destined to end and end poorly.

I don’t think that America have moved away from the stereotype of black men as a type of physical being, an ape of sorts. One of the perks of being hyper-masculine, the ideas about black males has not changed in 70 years. Black males’ being viewed as sub-human is not a new prism for the American society.

I think that these ideas are echoed in our society. I have heard it from the media. I have heard it from my father. In the media, we have seen black male punished more harshly for events dealing with white woman. One of the harshest ones is Emit Till. My father warned me in my high schools days that, if a white woman accuses me of anything “improper,” my goose could be cooked. Be mind full, he would say.

Some people should consider less talking

2006-05-11T23:33:00.000-04:00

This story is many weeks old but it is still worth telling. It is starring my housemate’s girlfriend. The story is second hand but I still got a laugh from it. So, this is my friend’s story…

Housemate, Housemate’s girl and my friend go out some Friday night to play pool. My friend is single and has been for a little bit of time now. So my housemate’s girl is always interested in his love life, typical female, not a bad thing. My housemate is busy lining up a shot. My friend and my housemate’s girlfriend have this brief exchange:

My Friend: ___ (Housemate’s girlfriend name) you should bring more of your Junior League friends around.

Housemate’s Girlfriend: I don’t want to be rude… but … Can I be toldly frank with you?

MF:OK…???

HG: I don’t think that you make enough money for them to be interested in you. It’s not like I think that you are a bad person. I think that you are great. I just think that you will not be able to treat them they way that they are used to be treated. But I still think you are great…

MF: ???? ….( looks at her with his head cocked to the side, with a quizzical look on his face) Or at least that is what he told me

My friend is not doing badly for himself. He brought a house, owns his own business and has a full time job. Most of my friends have not brought a home yet.

What… is all I was thinking when my friend told me this… What in her right mind would make her say that? So, you see I’m not the only one, that should consider less talking.

No good reason.

2006-05-11T16:44:00.000-04:00

I do not know what that the story is with me. I guess, I do think that I had any good stories to tell. You know, some people believe that people only have a certain number of "A-list" stories. So, I'm telling all of mine. Some could say that is not wise. But I can say that is the reason for the silence.

I'm going to blame it on the end of school. Final paper with the stress that I needed a certain grade is what drove me away from the keyboard. You know that I only have a certain number of written words in me per day. It is almost like a quota.

But I have thank my fan on the west coast that remember me that they enjoyed my posts. It was a nice idea that I was missed. So, until the next dry spell, I'll be regular. And if I'm lucky, I'll be regularly good.

Hmm...

2006-05-11T16:20:00.000-04:00

I have no good reason. No good reason at all, to feel the way I do. I think I know that road in front of me and I scared to walk it. I have generally take pride that I face my fears. Just because I'm scared does not mean that I will not do it. I'm afraid of heights. But I have not let that stop me, from what I want. I have been on guiders, roller coasts, the top of the effiel tower and the local carnival rides. I was scaried by I moved forward. Or at least that was the case in the past. I starting to realize that physical fears are easy or at least easier. You do it and then you are done. You climb these steps... ride that elevator to the top and look down. But will emotional fears, it is not that simple. The measure of success is not as clear. You have to beat more often, because that emotional fear can be ever present.

Damm Hippy

2006-05-11T16:17:00.000-04:00

I have this new vogue hippy friend. She is currently in this program where she has a life coach. Please do not ask me to explain what exactly what a life coach does. She goes to meditation retreats. Do not get me wrong, I love the girl. But most people have limited attention span for that. I'm no different. I think I can handle a great deal more that the average person. But the last time she saw me, she told me that God loved me. I giggled and laughed, not like a school girl, if that is possible. But she said that she was serious. I was in the middle of being frustrated that things are not going the way I planned. The way I hoped. That is when she told me, “Remember God loves you.”

I'm sitting there feeling a bit... ah... ah..deflated. Than I remember that God does love me. I felt better. I don't know, it worked for me.

One of the few perks of being raised Catholic.

2006-05-10T21:26:00.000-04:00

2006-04-24T21:11:00.000-04:00

A weekend in the middle of the week

2006-04-08T13:40:00.000-04:00

It has been a week. I felt I had my weekend in the middle of the week. I was at the Blackalicious show on Tuesday. It was good. But I think that one of his opening acts had more energy and stage presence that Blackalicious did. The group was the Lifesavas. I have not heard of these guys before but they worked the crowd. They had good energy, and there flow was not bad. Blackalicious musically did not seem well suited for a live show. It seems to me that he needs a studio to truly appreciate there gift of gab. The Gift's flow is so fast that he seemed to get washed out in the live show. There was one opener... that was hip hop meets and marries a Broadway act. This performers name is Pigeon John. He hails from LA. But I have to admit, his act reminds me of a Mr. Farnsworthy Bentley. Back in 2003, one would see Mr. Bently as Diddy's assistant. That was Tuesday, day one of the weekend.

Wednesday was good. I had three places to be that night. The first one was with some of the ladies in my office. Some of them thought it would be a good idea that some of us on the floor get together for a couple of drinks after work. It seems to me that one of the ladies on the floor is looking to start a little "trouble." I have caught her eyeing me in the hallway and she has started to be a little flirty with me. But ok... these things are not crimes. The combination of me, this girl from work, and dollar drink specials is a combination that one should be wary of. The drinks after work go without a problem. This could be because one of my co-workers acted as a buffer. But I had to leave early because I had to meet a friend at No.9 Park, one of the nicest restaurants in all of Boston. On the way out, my co-worker that was acting as a buffer, asked about where I was drinking later that night. I told him were and what time I was going to be there. The girl that I think is trying to cause trouble asked me, if she could come too. I told her that she could come thinking that she will not show. I head off to dinner with my friend from Denver. No.9 Park is worth every penny that they charge you. It was the best dining experience I had in Boston. The only place that I have had better was in Paris, on the Eiffel tower. We had the nine course tasting menu with the wine pairings. It was a three hour meal. Because of the long meal at the restaurant I missed my drinks with my friends. But this is the interesting part, the girl from work showed at the bar I was supposed to be at. Which I have to admit her intentions have me curious; it seems to me that she aims to misbehave.

While you wait...

2006-03-30T23:49:00.000-05:00

I swear… I know that I work and I’m studying technology. But sometimes I be hating the shit!!!! Argh.. nervous energy… this is the only reason that I‘m writing. Waiting to see…If I get a response from the institution that is SBS, but funny thing is, this is what I do. Waiting… Waiting and play this silly game of cat and mouse. Our first meeting, I should have known… I sat alone at the bar for 45 minutes. She was calling and telling me that she was coming. You would think that, I would be extremely ticked off. I was for the first 5 minutes. But the girl charmed me within the first 4 minutes of us meeting. Is that what this courting thing is meant to be about, hunting your prey? That does not sound romantic now does it? The man is stalking and hunting his future mate. I guess that the best hunters, sit, wait and let there prey come to them. It is too too bad that we are not still in the cave man days. Courting now is a little richer, complex, but you can still get smacked into next week. Believe you and me, it will leave a mark.

What I saw in Santa Monica

2006-03-28T15:09:00.000-05:00

This the image that I saw when I was out in California last week. I took this picture on the Santa Monica Pier. This is was a protest against Dubya's mistake. There were 2,000 American soul represented with each cross on the beach. All I see, in this image, is 2,000 sad American families.

I wish I could say that I can understand why our country, our President have asked for these lives. For what principle was this blood spilled for ? Is our America safer?

There is no purpose crying over spilled milk, but clearly there is a purpose for crying over spilled life.

This image shows us all the cost of Democracy spread via sword instead of the pen.

It's our anniversary

2006-03-27T16:41:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was the one year anniversary of when I started being single again. I wish I didn't remember. I wish I did not care. If you ask me about it in person, I would tell you that did not weigh on me at all. It is not even worth mentioning it. But that is mostly false. It is true that I don't want to talk about it much. It is not true that is not weighing on me. I need to let this out...

Looking back, I know it was the right thing to do. It was the right decision and it is still the right decision. I'm upset that it happened. I'm upset that is still with me. I'm upset because I still have no idea what the lesson was from that experience. I know that when bad things happen to people, people often look for complicated answers to explain it away. Complicated because bad things, happening to good people should not be a simple answer. I was betrayed. When I asked why, the answer was short, "I was selfish, cowardice and weak." That's all... that's the whole answer. I guess, that bad things are simple too.

How does one recover from being betrayed? How does one learn to trust again? These have been my questions of the year. I have faith, I think, that I will not be betrayed like this again. I would prefer, proof but I only have faith.

I hate it when I realize, I still miss her. I still love her. She still touches my life even though it is have been many months since I talked to her. I hate that I was right when I told her, "...when I tell you I love you, that will always be a true statement, no matter how we turn out." I need this to fade. No, I need this to erode down to nothing. I know that you can love someone and that does not mean that they are right for you. There is not just one heart out there that will suit you, there are many. It is our jobs to find the best heart to fit within ourselves. So we can stop walking around talking in me's, you's and I's but rather us's and our's and we's.

JetBlue and their Tele's

2006-03-22T01:19:00.000-05:00

Ended silence

2006-03-17T12:02:00.000-05:00

I have been quiet. This is been accurate of what my life has been like for the last week. OK… that is not completely accurate. I have traveled to the West coast for the first time. I’m out here visiting my friends that make me believe in fairy tales. They are the type of couple that makes you believe that your parents were not blowing smoke up your ass with the stories about when a boy meets a girl and they’ll live happily ever after.

SBS is a little crazy but what woman is not… I hope that y’all can see a joke when it is written. But I’m happy with the way that things are progressing. She is unsure how she feels about me. How she feels about us. But I think that it is too early for those types of thoughts. She tells me that she is confused. She just got out of her most serious relationship to date, in December. Not wanting to rush into something new, I imagine that she is still processing a little. Can I really be upset about that? All at the same time she is inviting me over to her place for the Sopranos. She is forward about showing affection. Clearly, she is enjoying that we are not simply just friends.

She is not the only one processing. We are on the slow track. This is not a bad thing; I remember so clearly why it is so great to be in an emotionally intimate relationship. It is not about the big gestures. It’s about the small ones. It is about her finding the nook in my shoulder, and it becoming her home away from home. It’s about SBS craving my warmth, my physical heat and it being the right temperature. My current problem is the knowing. If things go right, all that I just mentioned will become true. It is not true now…for me it is the anticipation that is causing the trouble.

We cook slow, so what we plan to ingest does not burn. And if you are patient, it, slow cooking turns out good more often than not.

Untitled,Unfinished... In process

2006-03-07T00:37:00.000-05:00


Life is resilient…
People are resilient
  But a person may not be
No man is an island
  But every person is alone
     ‘Cause we can be alone in a sea of people
     ‘Cause you are alone the moment that you were born
        I’m told that you are alone the moment that you die
The sermon says that… God is in all of us.
  But the devil will find use for idol hands
A world full of complex answers
  But often life is about simple choices
life’s resilience
  is about the relationships
     this is not news
        it is not rocket science
Occasionally… I just have to remind myself

On the nature of cheating

2006-03-02T17:56:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine and I got into an argument about the nature of cheating. Her basic point was that cheating is about power. It is an extension of the sexual dynamic between two people. The cheater, the power player (in her argument), has the control. They are the one trying to get the edge in the situation. She was citing Closer as a good example of what is going in an relationship when cheating is involved. I have a different take on the issue.

Cheating is a result of weakness -- weakness in the individual or weakness in the relationship. The cheater is trying to full some kind of void in their life; scared to only love one person, low-self esteem, etc. It was once explained to me by a cheater, that they were weak, selfish and cowardice in the moment that they chose to cheat. This sentiment is more consistent with my idea.

I'm struggling to see the validness of my friends argument. Yes, it is true that their are power dynamics within relationships. But I do not think that cheating is about power within that relationship. Power is about getting what you want. If you want to be with the person, you know that you are putting the relationship in jeopardy. If you want to be with the new person, starting a relationship with someone else when you are currently in a relationship is not putting your "best foot" forward. The new person first hand is seeing that you are a cheater, a person not to be trusted. They may fuck with you, but that is all that will come of that.

Even if people stay together after someone has cheated. The relationship will be forever changed. I do not see the foundation of trust still being there. If you do not have trust... I do not know why are you in a relationship with that person.

SBS -- the institution

2006-02-28T17:33:00.000-05:00

This is about the Mardi Gras party I was at this past Saturday at SBS's house. It was a little wild. A couple of highlight that are not in the audiopost:

Several girls were trying to take my shirt off
SBS flashed me. .... It was proof that I want things to go well between us
Several different girls were smacking my ass thru out the night

US Patent office will not support... a N*gga

2006-02-24T15:38:00.000-05:00

This article is silly. It talks about how Damon Wayans is trying to trademark the word Nigga. It has been declined by the US Trademark and patent office. Wayans is trying to start a "Nigga" clothing line.

I can see it now.... Nigga Clothing brought to by Damon Wayans.(**cue street sounding black male**) If you wanted to be a real NIGGA.... All you have to do is by the clothes.

Half of me , wishes that the patent office will accept his application. I would love to see Bill Cosby and other older black Americans get in an uproar about it. Seeing urban America dressed in Nigga clothing by Damon Wayans... that would definitely be life in living color.

Few Years Left before stupid...

2006-02-22T00:54:00.000-05:00

I think that the common consensus among my friends is that boys are stupid and girls are crazy. But I would like to add that these effects get worse over time, if the person is single. I have a couple of examples.

My friend that is down in DC and is expecting his first child told me a story about his 35 year old single sister. She was telling him that she was excited about this man that she met. She told her brother that she thinks it is getting serious. So, the natural follow-up question a brother would ask is, how long have you been seeing this man. She answers him.... a week. What!!! see... crazy!

Another story, more proof, I had a co-worker that sat near me. He is 45ish. He's divorced with 2 or 3 kids. He met a woman in our building. She is single never married, 35ish years old. After 3 months of dating, he announces to me hat they are engaged. ????.... see...stupid!!! His basic reason,"when you know you." He has been complaining about her ever since. "If she does not shape-up...this wedding is not going to happen." This why you do not get engaged after 3 months... stupid!

I'm not too close to 30 but single... I'm hoping that I will not get too stupid. I think that the craziness starts a little earlier in women. In my mind this why men date younger women. Simply less crazy...

Men and Monsters

2006-02-17T13:07:00.000-05:00

I when out to see Capote last night. It was a good movie. I recommend it. Capote is a bit of a downer. Walked out of that movie a little bit depressed.

But I did enjoy one of the central theme's in the movie. What do real life monsters look like? Would you recognize evil, if you look at it in the face? I have ponders these questions before. Capote ponders these same questions.

When we are young we are taught that monsters live in caves; they are have claws and fangs or look like dragons or other non-real shapes. It is only later we learn that monsters walk among us.

I'm an anti-depressant

2006-02-15T15:29:00.000-05:00

My friend did not believe me when I told her that, yes it's true,I'm an anti-depressant. It is more accurate to say that my semen is an anti-depressant. This was reported in the news several years back in 2002. Gordon Gallup believes that mood-altering hormones in semen that are absorbed through the vagina can help improve a woman's mood.

Come on, that is cool! People have attacked Dr. Gallup's research and pointed out weakness in his methodology. But it does not mean that he is wrong. So more research is needed. The heart of science is repetition. At this point, I know that it is not ready to be added to textbooks yet. But it is a lovely idea... see honey I'm good for something. And I can make you happy, some scientist have said so.

It's not like that I'm not going to have safe sex. But if I'm in a steady monogamous relationship, I'll offer to pay for half of her pills.

Below are some links for your reference. So you can see that I'm not making this up.

BBC
New Scientist
Salon
Psychology Today

acknowledgment

2006-02-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

Fine, I'll admit it. I miss her a little bit today. Not that me and this girl would have been in the same city. I think that today being Valentine's day the world seems a little bigger. In the sense that, today feels like a void, a large vast space of nothingness. I miss her because she made the world feel smaller. She was a type of filter, the void has meaning thru my relationship with her. We connect to world via the relationships that we have in it. Today I remember how I felt about my surroundings when I had her in my life. My viewpoint from this year in comparison to last year's has changed. I miss her because I recognize that I preferred last year's view.

It is not that I do not have options. It is not that I do not believe that I'll never regain a similar viewpoint. I can sense that a new love is around the corner. I guess today I remember and feel it again that she is gone from my life. Not that I want her back, we broke for a reason, I'm simply nostalgic for the past.

Happy V-day!

A week sponsored by the letter S.

2006-02-08T16:24:00.000-05:00

There is a cute coincidence in my social calendar this week. All the women that I will be hanging out with this week first names start with the letter S. SC,SBS,SZ are the initials of all the women.

SC, I can't read her to safe my life. We currently hang-out and play squash or work-out. I think that she is hard to read because she is a little aloof. I'm not sure if she has noticed that I'm interested in her beyond her just being my squash partner. We have been playing a long game of phone and txting tag. She called this past Saturday night at about 10:30 in evening, she was in New York. I missed the call but I still think that this a good sign. I planning on playing squash with this weekend and continue my slow wooing of this attractive and athletic lady. I have been advised not to rush in typical djlike form. OK....

SBS, I will meet for the first time in person this week. When I was in Denver last week. Matt and I when to a event for the ACS(American Cancer Society), a martini tasting. It was not a bad deal, 5 dollars and 5 martini samples. At this event, Matt and I chatted up these two girls Alison and Melissa. Matt was talking to Alison. I was talking to Melissa. Over the course of the night, I learn that Melissa has a leave-in boyfriend... great! She tells be that she have a girlfriend in Boston that would adore me. Adore... who does not want more fans? She calls her friend SBS and we talk for moment. By time I was off the phone we had plans to talk when I was back in town. So, we'll see.

SZ is an old co-worker of mine. We got together a couple of weeks ago. And we make a promise that we would not wait eon before we see each other again. But in the mean time, she has been emailing me more. She have been calling me at work,"just to talk". She is been a little more overly flirty, that she usually is. It seems like things are starting to add up... but... one can't always be sure if a woman like you. She could be just being friendly? We have a plan to meet up on Saturday night. I'll play this by ear. I'm not completely sure what so expect from her or this.

We will see how a week sponsored by the letter S goes. Pray for me.

Beginning of the End

2006-01-24T16:57:00.000-05:00

Last night I was the first class of the last course of my Graduate education. I did not have that bubbly feeling that often accompanies the beginning of class. This is the last push. I'm trying to find my excitement. I'm trying to find my zeal, for by subject. But last night for me, more resembled the beginning of the hellish chore that your parents ask you do.

So.
16 class
15 assignments
4 months
1 final exam

Then Boston University will drop the curtain. My education will fade to black. There are people that will ask for an encore. That will only be decided went the show has come to an end.

East Coast Prozac, West Coast Sun

2006-01-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

My friend that is in California complained to me that there is little substance in her new home. She has found people to hangout with but all conversations have been very on the surface. She seems a little frustrated by it. It could be a cultural thing; people do not talk about deep subjects in public. I think that she misses the debate of the issues of the day or at least of the passion of one.

But this has me thinking... Maybe we have it wrong out here on the East Coast. Analyzing everything, over-analyzing and mentally masturbating over any subject that we can. Complex conversations about "meaningless" things, simply for the express purpose of being complex. When you dissect everything, there is no place for magic and wonderment. Happiness could be magic and wonderment, maybe that is why it is so elusive in our modern times. Devil is the details, some say. East Coast decomposition is a path to the details. Ergo...?

My friend reports that people are happier on the West Coast. Clearly, the weather has something to do with it. Maybe another part of it is the surface level conversation that my friend speaks of. If you only remain on the surface, you will not see the ugliest of the details. Could it be a type of willful ignorance? Maybe the West Coast has it right -- the prescription to happiness, besides Prozac are good weather and no deep thoughts.

I am... My father's son

2006-01-16T16:01:00.000-05:00

Life is about cycles. That is what I have been told. This is what I have learned. This is what I'm scared to believe. What does this mean for me?

The cycle that I'm seeing that is making me nervous... Children run to the parents. Children run from the parents. Children walk next to there parents as adults. Children become there parents. This is the way that I see the cycle.

What if your parents not to be emulated? Are you destined to have the same fate as your parent? We know that is not always the case. We know that each individual has the ability to forge there own path. But the how likely is it. Diseases run in families. Some diseases, socially ills, run in families as well. I think that it is a general belief that is out there. I can hear my aunty talking to me about the women that I choose to associate with.

"Good families make good people. Finding a good person can help ensure that you too will have a good family. Good family equals good life."

Is this true of success? Success breeds success. What if you do not see your father as success? Are you tied to his fate? Does mediocrity breed mediocrity? Maybe a judge him too harshly, the example is has put forth is not bad. There are many things that I would like to emulate. He has a good wife, good children and he is loved. Many people would argue that this is success. But it would be a question. I want my success to be unquestionable, for any one that cares to look, they will know that I’m a success.