Incriminating

The more that fight it… the more my emotions become out of whack, I know the cause. The cause is temporal. At the end of this month, marks something that is meant to be meaningless. It is starting to feel like my relationship with her was a lifetime ago. Starting to feel like, it didn’t really happen to me. Some of the details of what it was like when we were together are starting to fade. I don’t now how to feel about this. But I still fight the feelings… the date draws near, of an un- anniversary.

It is strange. On the anniversary of what would have been 3 years together. I think about when it really started for me. I guess, in the end, you think about the beginning, when I really started to love her with all my soul. It was not in the beginning of our relationship, the day that we recognized that we were more that just messing about. Because if you ask anyone that I talked to about it, in the beginning it was not a well hidden fact that I was skeptical. The events that surrounded the beginning of our relationship could be at best described as strange. If I was to re-tell those events, you may question my sanity.

But what I have been thinking about a lot is when I knew that I loved her. It was when we went to Mexico for my friends wedding. It was in the beautiful countryside, in a heavenly little chapel, of an exclusive Mexican golf course. We met there because our lives made it not an option for us to be in the same city or even the same state. In the mist of celebrating my friend’s love for his new wife, she became violently ill. For about the whole reception, she was losing liquids. Any means of liquids exiting her body, it was exiting. It was not sight to be seen. Not an event that you want to hear on the other side of a bathroom door. This continued for about six hours before I called my mother. I was never more thankful that my mother was a physician than I was that day. Describing what was going on to my mother was hard. I was not able to do it. I have not been so scared in my life. My friends had to talk to my mother for me on my behalf. My mother gave me instructions on what to do and I followed her instructions to the letter. She recovered. She returned to her life. We continued to be together, but loving from a distance. It was then, that I knew that I loved her. I had told her before that point that I did. It was then when my previous concerns, faded. The terror I felt could only be explained by my love for her.

A couple of days after I returned from the trip, my mother told me, that when I called from Mexico, she has never heard me so scared. She had never heard terror like this from me before. I told what it was like for me. I told how I paced when she was ill and for fearful I was. Not only did I know, I loved that woman, I think my mother learned it too.

These feeling put me in a fix, because I’m in a new relationship. I feel like that I’m being… “unfaithful” because I’m having these thoughts. When I hear sappy movies and songs that I’m drawn to the past, the new girl is great. Nice girl, sweet girl and I see her becoming more and more sweet on me. How can I be moving forward, if my emotions are struck in the past?

On the day of the “non-event”, I will be helping my new girlfriend move. I will focus on the future because the past is only full of lessons learned.