It's our anniversary
This past weekend was the one year anniversary of when I started being single again. I wish I didn't remember. I wish I did not care. If you ask me about it in person, I would tell you that did not weigh on me at all. It is not even worth mentioning it. But that is mostly false. It is true that I don't want to talk about it much. It is not true that is not weighing on me. I need to let this out...
Looking back, I know it was the right thing to do. It was the right decision and it is still the right decision. I'm upset that it happened. I'm upset that is still with me. I'm upset because I still have no idea what the lesson was from that experience. I know that when bad things happen to people, people often look for complicated answers to explain it away. Complicated because bad things, happening to good people should not be a simple answer. I was betrayed. When I asked why, the answer was short, "I was selfish, cowardice and weak." That's all... that's the whole answer. I guess, that bad things are simple too.
How does one recover from being betrayed? How does one learn to trust again? These have been my questions of the year. I have faith, I think, that I will not be betrayed like this again. I would prefer, proof but I only have faith.
I hate it when I realize, I still miss her. I still love her. She still touches my life even though it is have been many months since I talked to her. I hate that I was right when I told her, "...when I tell you I love you, that will always be a true statement, no matter how we turn out." I need this to fade. No, I need this to erode down to nothing. I know that you can love someone and that does not mean that they are right for you. There is not just one heart out there that will suit you, there are many. It is our jobs to find the best heart to fit within ourselves. So we can stop walking around talking in me's, you's and I's but rather us's and our's and we's.
Looking back, I know it was the right thing to do. It was the right decision and it is still the right decision. I'm upset that it happened. I'm upset that is still with me. I'm upset because I still have no idea what the lesson was from that experience. I know that when bad things happen to people, people often look for complicated answers to explain it away. Complicated because bad things, happening to good people should not be a simple answer. I was betrayed. When I asked why, the answer was short, "I was selfish, cowardice and weak." That's all... that's the whole answer. I guess, that bad things are simple too.
How does one recover from being betrayed? How does one learn to trust again? These have been my questions of the year. I have faith, I think, that I will not be betrayed like this again. I would prefer, proof but I only have faith.
I hate it when I realize, I still miss her. I still love her. She still touches my life even though it is have been many months since I talked to her. I hate that I was right when I told her, "...when I tell you I love you, that will always be a true statement, no matter how we turn out." I need this to fade. No, I need this to erode down to nothing. I know that you can love someone and that does not mean that they are right for you. There is not just one heart out there that will suit you, there are many. It is our jobs to find the best heart to fit within ourselves. So we can stop walking around talking in me's, you's and I's but rather us's and our's and we's.
posted by djspeak at 4:41 PM
3 Comments:
I pressed the "next blog" button.
I sincerely wish I hadn't. I wish I could say I don't know how you feel. But... I do. It's hard. I'm nearly two years along. There's even another guy.
But it's not the same. Sad thing is... my ex-partner...? He feels just the same. But we're in a different situation now. Other people in our lives. It's not so great a place to be.
Take care of yourself and let those thoughts wander around only a little while before asking them to leave (so they don't take up residence).
Thanks CAD. I have been serving the eviction notice for a bit now. I'm hoping that these "thoughts" will leave soon.
:o)
You're welcome.
It may take a while and there may be ups and downs where they come and go. But, in the long term it does get better.
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