Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Weighted. Measured. Lacking???

On the 3 month-ish marks with the new girl; learning about habits that I would I have to cope with. It is nice to reminded that someone can crave you. Remembering what it's like to curl up with someone. Seeing what's good about being coupled and feeling the pains of being paired.

In the last few months, it has been said that I'm emotionally measured. New girl is not. Or she is not as successful in the art of being emotionally measured as me. In times when she is less inhibited, generally alcohol has been in an amount that is not suitable for her, she tells me that, “I don’t like her”. She says it’s because I don’t show her. I know what she wants and I’ll not give it.

Why… Because it seems like I don’t feel anything anymore. I have spent a good amount of time on this blog talking about it. It's right here in black and white… That relationship broke something in me. So now I'm afraid… I know this. I have given voice to it before. It does not make it less true.

The question is… what to do with it. So let put the pattern out there. When my relationships start to become more serious, only in the respect that the girl wants more, I stay the course. Because I know that I’m scared of being hurt so I know my instinct is to run. I make myself stay. I know that I don’t feel now … but I will … I will I tell myself. OK…. The last time I was down this road… I found out the girl was not mental stable. Not normal crazy girl shit… like this may lead to hospital stay sh*t. So I cut and run…

So, the question that I’m asking myself at the moment… I don’t know went I like someone… It sounds stupid when I write it. But I can’t tell if I’m scared to feel or if I don’t feel it because there isn’t anything there to feel.

I can hear all of the standard advice on this… you feel it when you find the right girl. Your time will come. What if I already found the “right” girl, it’s just there will be no us between me and her anymore. Life without partnership … is still life. It’s not like I have not loved before. Don’t cry for me, there are many with way worst lots in life than me. I just putting it out there, that this could be my truth.