While you wait...

I swear… I know that I work and I’m studying technology. But sometimes I be hating the shit!!!! Argh.. nervous energy… this is the only reason that I‘m writing. Waiting to see…If I get a response from the institution that is SBS, but funny thing is, this is what I do. Waiting… Waiting and play this silly game of cat and mouse. Our first meeting, I should have known… I sat alone at the bar for 45 minutes. She was calling and telling me that she was coming. You would think that, I would be extremely ticked off. I was for the first 5 minutes. But the girl charmed me within the first 4 minutes of us meeting. Is that what this courting thing is meant to be about, hunting your prey? That does not sound romantic now does it? The man is stalking and hunting his future mate. I guess that the best hunters, sit, wait and let there prey come to them. It is too too bad that we are not still in the cave man days. Courting now is a little richer, complex, but you can still get smacked into next week. Believe you and me, it will leave a mark.

What I saw in Santa Monica

This the image that I saw when I was out in California last week. I took this picture on the Santa Monica Pier. This is was a protest against Dubya's mistake. There were 2,000 American soul represented with each cross on the beach. All I see, in this image, is 2,000 sad American families.

I wish I could say that I can understand why our country, our President have asked for these lives. For what principle was this blood spilled for ? Is our America safer?

There is no purpose crying over spilled milk, but clearly there is a purpose for crying over spilled life.

This image shows us all the cost of Democracy spread via sword instead of the pen.

It's our anniversary

This past weekend was the one year anniversary of when I started being single again. I wish I didn't remember. I wish I did not care. If you ask me about it in person, I would tell you that did not weigh on me at all. It is not even worth mentioning it. But that is mostly false. It is true that I don't want to talk about it much. It is not true that is not weighing on me. I need to let this out...

Looking back, I know it was the right thing to do. It was the right decision and it is still the right decision. I'm upset that it happened. I'm upset that is still with me. I'm upset because I still have no idea what the lesson was from that experience. I know that when bad things happen to people, people often look for complicated answers to explain it away. Complicated because bad things, happening to good people should not be a simple answer. I was betrayed. When I asked why, the answer was short, "I was selfish, cowardice and weak." That's all... that's the whole answer. I guess, that bad things are simple too.

How does one recover from being betrayed? How does one learn to trust again? These have been my questions of the year. I have faith, I think, that I will not be betrayed like this again. I would prefer, proof but I only have faith.

I hate it when I realize, I still miss her. I still love her. She still touches my life even though it is have been many months since I talked to her. I hate that I was right when I told her, "...when I tell you I love you, that will always be a true statement, no matter how we turn out." I need this to fade. No, I need this to erode down to nothing. I know that you can love someone and that does not mean that they are right for you. There is not just one heart out there that will suit you, there are many. It is our jobs to find the best heart to fit within ourselves. So we can stop walking around talking in me's, you's and I's but rather us's and our's and we's.

JetBlue and their Tele's

Ended silence

I have been quiet. This is been accurate of what my life has been like for the last week. OK… that is not completely accurate. I have traveled to the West coast for the first time. I’m out here visiting my friends that make me believe in fairy tales. They are the type of couple that makes you believe that your parents were not blowing smoke up your ass with the stories about when a boy meets a girl and they’ll live happily ever after.

SBS is a little crazy but what woman is not… I hope that y’all can see a joke when it is written. But I’m happy with the way that things are progressing. She is unsure how she feels about me. How she feels about us. But I think that it is too early for those types of thoughts. She tells me that she is confused. She just got out of her most serious relationship to date, in December. Not wanting to rush into something new, I imagine that she is still processing a little. Can I really be upset about that? All at the same time she is inviting me over to her place for the Sopranos. She is forward about showing affection. Clearly, she is enjoying that we are not simply just friends.

She is not the only one processing. We are on the slow track. This is not a bad thing; I remember so clearly why it is so great to be in an emotionally intimate relationship. It is not about the big gestures. It’s about the small ones. It is about her finding the nook in my shoulder, and it becoming her home away from home. It’s about SBS craving my warmth, my physical heat and it being the right temperature. My current problem is the knowing. If things go right, all that I just mentioned will become true. It is not true now…for me it is the anticipation that is causing the trouble.

We cook slow, so what we plan to ingest does not burn. And if you are patient, it, slow cooking turns out good more often than not.

Untitled,Unfinished... In process

Life is resilient…
People are resilient
  But a person may not be
No man is an island
  But every person is alone
     ‘Cause we can be alone in a sea of people
     ‘Cause you are alone the moment that you were born
        I’m told that you are alone the moment that you die
The sermon says that… God is in all of us.
  But the devil will find use for idol hands
A world full of complex answers
  But often life is about simple choices
life’s resilience
  is about the relationships
     this is not news
        it is not rocket science
Occasionally… I just have to remind myself 

On the nature of cheating

A friend of mine and I got into an argument about the nature of cheating. Her basic point was that cheating is about power. It is an extension of the sexual dynamic between two people. The cheater, the power player (in her argument), has the control. They are the one trying to get the edge in the situation. She was citing Closer as a good example of what is going in an relationship when cheating is involved. I have a different take on the issue.

Cheating is a result of weakness -- weakness in the individual or weakness in the relationship. The cheater is trying to full some kind of void in their life; scared to only love one person, low-self esteem, etc. It was once explained to me by a cheater, that they were weak, selfish and cowardice in the moment that they chose to cheat. This sentiment is more consistent with my idea.

I'm struggling to see the validness of my friends argument. Yes, it is true that their are power dynamics within relationships. But I do not think that cheating is about power within that relationship. Power is about getting what you want. If you want to be with the person, you know that you are putting the relationship in jeopardy. If you want to be with the new person, starting a relationship with someone else when you are currently in a relationship is not putting your "best foot" forward. The new person first hand is seeing that you are a cheater, a person not to be trusted. They may fuck with you, but that is all that will come of that.

Even if people stay together after someone has cheated. The relationship will be forever changed. I do not see the foundation of trust still being there. If you do not have trust... I do not know why are you in a relationship with that person.